Wednesday, 30 July 2014

To be, or not to be...online...

Online dating. This subject keeps coming up in convos with friends, family and co-workers more and more. And I keep refusing the idea more and more. Am I being too dismissive? Should I give in to all those people out there who shared my sentiments of "online dating just isn't for me" but are now on the brink of marrying their one, true online love?

I tried eHarmony once. Maybe it was the hopeful commercials with all those happy couples (there's that sliver of hope clinging to life), maybe it was an act of desperation and loneliness...or maybe it was the discounted three month membership deal that was on...but on a night shift (so probably more out of sheer boredom) I signed up. And then spent four hours of your hard-earned tax dollars (God bless unions!) filling out that bloody questionnaire. What resulted was a mix of middle-aged farmers, 25 year olds (you're 25, what the hell do you need eHarmony for? I've met plenty of 25 year olds so you shouldn't have any trouble meeting them either) and more middle-aged farmers. Is the universe trying to tell me something? Don't get me wrong, I don't mind getting my fingernails dirty and I love (seriously love) country music, but if you put me in any kind of farming equipment it will end up like my grandpa's riding mower did when he let me drive it - in a ditch against a fence. 

Then I realized I could refine my matches. Insert sigh of relief here.

After some relatively witty and intelligent email banter I went on a few dates with an excessively well-built, but sadly, unremarkable gentleman (I was blinded by his arms...nicely defined arms that look capable of pushing you up against a wall in a lutsful moment. I'm now caught in a memory of just such a moment with a great pair of arms that were conveniently connected to a great guy with equally as great abdominal muscles...ooh la la). Unremarkable sounds mean, but I thought at the very least online dating would serve as amusing fodder for the blog I one day planned to start writing (tada!!!!!)...I was wrong.

So with one fell swoop I decided that online dating just wasn't worth the hassle. I think the draw of online dating is supposed to be the ease with which you do it. Except for the questionnaires...I mean, they take a little time. And then you craft your profile. Agonizing over which pictures to include, how to describe yourself with just the right balance of self-deprecation and confidence (or perhaps how to come across as a complete idiot by using the "About Me" section to describe, in detail, your manly skincare regimen - true story) and whether or not anyone will pick up on the obscure Ace Ventura: Pet Detective reference placed just so to showcase your personal brand of humour. Then you match with people and you have to short list those matches. Or you wade through endless singles, judging their pictures and descriptions as you go (chotch...chotch...ooh, look at that, a jacked-up truck in your profile pic, tiny penis and a chotch). I feel I can be just as judgmental in person at a bar (or any other public place of my choosing) and it's more fun checking out guys in a public place and condemning them for their socks and sandals combo than meeting an online prospect who was somehow able to photoshop out the biggest unibrow known to man (Really? Why spend all that time photo-shopping when you could just SHAVE THE UNIBROW!? Or maybe you shaved the unibrow for pictures but then...left it for a date? No, that would just be silly).

But then...I haven't had the greatest luck finding "Mr. Right" on my own (quotations because it's so cliché but I can't think of a better term at 4 am on a night shift). So then every now and then when friends/family/coworkers bring up online dating...I think for a second...maybe I should try it. I have always harboured this fatalistic view that "what's meant to be, will be" but maybe what's meant to be is waiting for me on match.com, eHarmony or hell, even onTinder!? 

Then that second passes. And I think about dating, some of the bullshit experiences I've dealt with over the past five years...the fade outs, the stand ups, the all-around assholes...the list goes on. And I realize that I really don't require an internet service to funnel more bullshit my way - I'm capable of doing that all on my own, and my services are free! So then I reserve to never date online...until that second comes back and I wonder if I'm being too judgmental about online dating...it 's a vicious circle.

A


Friday, 25 July 2014

So this is what it's come to...

Me, a 31 year old single girl in a prairie city that’s more like a small town. The world as my oyster and no relationships on the horizon. And the ever present question…”I just don’t understand, how are you still single?” (Listen, if I and everyone else who's single knew the answer to that precious question, do you think I'd actually still be single?)

I’ve been mainly single for about 5 years, with the occasional blip on the radar that might have lasted a couple of months before the bozo realized he “just didn’t want to be in a relationship” (with me), or, "I've been hurt so badly I don’t think I can ever love again” (correction, you’re a pussy and you’re not willing to take a chance), or – my personal favourite – I get the “fade out.” After a few weeks of daily texts, frequent dates (or hang outs as some people like to call them so you don’t ever feel any real obligation to the other person) and probably a few sessions in the bedroom…nothing. Well, there might be a few scattered texts, but then, nothing (these guys are just as much of a pussy as the guy who thinks he can never love again). Honourable mention goes to the guys who tell me they "just don't feel that spark" with me, you're almost being honest but something tells me there's a hint of bullshit in there.

My friends have always commented that I should write my experiences down. Document and share them. Normally I brush them off...I don’t really think I’m that funny (or am I...? Insert crickets here), nor did I ever realize how many women (and maybe men?) like me there are out there. Over the years, I’ve met some really amazing people that I find myself (for shame!) asking the same question about…how are you still single? These amazing people hate that question as much as I do, and we all share the desire to find "the one" (yup, after five years of duds I still have some tiiiiiiiny semblance of hope in this little heart of mine) but seem to end up only finding (if we're lucky) "the one - for right now."

So here is my documentation.

Welcome to Sex and the Prairie City. I’m not Carrie Bradshaw – I don’t have several pairs of Manolos at my disposal (wistful sigh…one day…), I’m not sure who my Big or Aidan are, and my fashion sense will certainly never compare to hers – but I’m a single girl living in the Paris of the prairies, trying to figure her shit out and now I'm bringing y'all along with me (at this point that means my roommate, my mom, and my amazingly supportive friends...let's hope that number increases).


A

P.S. - According to Buzzfeed, I'm a total catch. And I believe everything I read on the internet. So...how am I still single? (Seriously, when is someone going to come up with a sarcasm font. This is important people, I'm pretty sarcastic. Patent that shit and get it out there.)