Wednesday, 30 July 2014

To be, or not to be...online...

Online dating. This subject keeps coming up in convos with friends, family and co-workers more and more. And I keep refusing the idea more and more. Am I being too dismissive? Should I give in to all those people out there who shared my sentiments of "online dating just isn't for me" but are now on the brink of marrying their one, true online love?

I tried eHarmony once. Maybe it was the hopeful commercials with all those happy couples (there's that sliver of hope clinging to life), maybe it was an act of desperation and loneliness...or maybe it was the discounted three month membership deal that was on...but on a night shift (so probably more out of sheer boredom) I signed up. And then spent four hours of your hard-earned tax dollars (God bless unions!) filling out that bloody questionnaire. What resulted was a mix of middle-aged farmers, 25 year olds (you're 25, what the hell do you need eHarmony for? I've met plenty of 25 year olds so you shouldn't have any trouble meeting them either) and more middle-aged farmers. Is the universe trying to tell me something? Don't get me wrong, I don't mind getting my fingernails dirty and I love (seriously love) country music, but if you put me in any kind of farming equipment it will end up like my grandpa's riding mower did when he let me drive it - in a ditch against a fence. 

Then I realized I could refine my matches. Insert sigh of relief here.

After some relatively witty and intelligent email banter I went on a few dates with an excessively well-built, but sadly, unremarkable gentleman (I was blinded by his arms...nicely defined arms that look capable of pushing you up against a wall in a lutsful moment. I'm now caught in a memory of just such a moment with a great pair of arms that were conveniently connected to a great guy with equally as great abdominal muscles...ooh la la). Unremarkable sounds mean, but I thought at the very least online dating would serve as amusing fodder for the blog I one day planned to start writing (tada!!!!!)...I was wrong.

So with one fell swoop I decided that online dating just wasn't worth the hassle. I think the draw of online dating is supposed to be the ease with which you do it. Except for the questionnaires...I mean, they take a little time. And then you craft your profile. Agonizing over which pictures to include, how to describe yourself with just the right balance of self-deprecation and confidence (or perhaps how to come across as a complete idiot by using the "About Me" section to describe, in detail, your manly skincare regimen - true story) and whether or not anyone will pick up on the obscure Ace Ventura: Pet Detective reference placed just so to showcase your personal brand of humour. Then you match with people and you have to short list those matches. Or you wade through endless singles, judging their pictures and descriptions as you go (chotch...chotch...ooh, look at that, a jacked-up truck in your profile pic, tiny penis and a chotch). I feel I can be just as judgmental in person at a bar (or any other public place of my choosing) and it's more fun checking out guys in a public place and condemning them for their socks and sandals combo than meeting an online prospect who was somehow able to photoshop out the biggest unibrow known to man (Really? Why spend all that time photo-shopping when you could just SHAVE THE UNIBROW!? Or maybe you shaved the unibrow for pictures but then...left it for a date? No, that would just be silly).

But then...I haven't had the greatest luck finding "Mr. Right" on my own (quotations because it's so cliché but I can't think of a better term at 4 am on a night shift). So then every now and then when friends/family/coworkers bring up online dating...I think for a second...maybe I should try it. I have always harboured this fatalistic view that "what's meant to be, will be" but maybe what's meant to be is waiting for me on match.com, eHarmony or hell, even onTinder!? 

Then that second passes. And I think about dating, some of the bullshit experiences I've dealt with over the past five years...the fade outs, the stand ups, the all-around assholes...the list goes on. And I realize that I really don't require an internet service to funnel more bullshit my way - I'm capable of doing that all on my own, and my services are free! So then I reserve to never date online...until that second comes back and I wonder if I'm being too judgmental about online dating...it 's a vicious circle.

A


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