At first glance, the whole premise of the movie is ridiculous. Charlie (Dane Cook) is cursed by some goth princess in high school - he will always be the guy a woman dates before she meets the man of her dreams. Women realize this and start to think he's a good luck charm, a surefire way to meet their future husband! Of course (being the male that he is), Charlie sleeps with a bunch of chicks to make their dreams come true but ends up meeting Cam (Jessica Alba), the woman of his dreams. Somehow he breaks the curse and Charlie and Cam walk off into the sunset together (insert alternate cliche ending to a Hollywood love story here). I'm a little fuzzy on the details and I can't remember how Charlie breaks the curse as I haven't seen the movie since 2008. I was going to watch it as research for this post, but like I said, that's an hour and a half of my life I wouldn't get back.
Now brace yourself...the premise is ridiculous and the movie was a total flop...but I just realized I'm the female version of Charlie. I'm a good luck charm for the guys who date me. I haven't exploited this...yet (I'm not a player...wait, can girls be players? Or are we just referred to as sluts? If so, what a double standard). But with the evidence I'm about to put forth...well, it appears I'm sunk. I'm cursed. Am I always going to be the woman a guy dates before he finds his one true love? (I know this sounds comical, but listen...when you're single and trying to figure things out, you come up with some interesting theories...)
Case #1: I dated R for about seven months, it was long distance, and after basically proposing to me (who sits in a church at a wedding, turns to their girlfriend, and asks when they should get married but somehow thinks that's not a big deal?) and taking me ring shopping...he dumped and crushed me. On the phone. By saying he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore (*cough* bullshit). Three months after we broke up, he had impregnated his new girlfriend (conveniently of three months) and they moved in together. Now they're married.
Case #2: T and I dated for about four or five months. Again, it was long distance. I spent a few weeks of the summer we dated working in a city closer to him. He freaked out. Despite the fact that I had signed a lease on an apartment in Saskatoon he felt I was pushing things forward. He took me on a weekend trip to Winnipeg (posh destination, I know) and broke up with me on the drive home (note: I had to drive another two and a half hours home after he broke up with me...sobbing about a break up is an effective way to excuse yourself from a speeding ticket). T is now married to the girl he started dating about a week after we broke up (pretty quick turnaround, right?).
Case #3: I dated H for a couple of months before Christmas one year. Not exactly sure what happened at the end but he decided that he was missing "that spark" and felt the need to tell me that via text while we were trying to make plans to meet up on Boxing Day. So that ended that. H promptly started dating his now long-time girlfriend and they moved in together.
Case #4: I had a fling with my friend's boyfriend's friend, C. I believe my thought was that (despite knowing he did not want anything serious) C would change his mind once he spent some time with me and our casual fling would turn into a more serious relationship (I have no words for how delusional I must have been to think that. Seriously. WTF April. A fuck buddy turning into a relationship is the unicorn of relationships). We're still friends (because we're adults and we dealt with things as such) and he is now engaged to a lovely (but I think kind of crazy) lady.
Case #5: A and I dated for a couple of months last fall. Things were going well, he came on a snowboarding trip with my friends and I...and he just was not the same guy on the trip as the one I started dating. He turned into a massive jerk (he even started a fight with my friend's boyfriend). We got back from the trip and I never heard from him again. He lives on the same street as my parents (see, Saskatoon is such a small town) so I see him from time to time. He's got a new live-in girlfriend.
With the exception of two other relationships (both of which, I'm sure, will be the subjects of posts to come as they've had a hand, in their own ways, in my undoing) these are the major dating stints I've had in the past five-ish years. Five relationships. Five break-ups. Five guys who met their current girlfriends/fiances/wives right after me.
Gentlemen, you're welcome.
P. S. - I'm aware this sounds crazy. I'm also aware that having a solid week off of work has allowed me to ruminate on this theory a little too long. Also, I'm aware that I'm kind of crazy. All women are crazy (don't deny it...if you're denying it right now you're lying to yourself because we have a little bit of crazy lurking somewhere in there). But it's kind of funny and completely disheartening at the same time. Whose good luck charm will I be next?