So I know I said that letting the bitterness seep in was really no alternative to keeping a positive outlook when it comes to dating...but I'm feeling awfully bitter lately.
I've gotten a plethora of messages lately on match.com. I've ignored them all. Every time I look at someone's profile I envision myself taking out a tiny little rocket launcher, firing at their little profile picture and blowing them to smithereens while cackling and thinking to myself that I've removed one more dipshit from the very shallow dating pool in this city.
Yup, just a little bitter. Maybe I'm more angry than bitter. Or I'm a combination of the two, can a person be "bangry?" Like being hangry, but instead of hungry and angry, I'm bitter and angry. Bangry. BOOM, I just made up a word. I should enter my new word into Urban Dictionary, unless it already exists, in which case my bangriness might escalate a little bit.
Sidebar: I just searched urbandictionary.com to see if bangry is a word already (yes I know that a word being on the site doesn't really make it a word per se, but slang seems to be infiltrating Webster's so really it's only a matter of time). And it is a word!! But their definition is not quite what I'm trying to convey. Apparently it has more to do with your anger building to a point where you need to use sex to release it. Hmmm. I could very well be that definition of bangry...
I'm sitting here wondering why I'm keeping my match.com account. In fact I question my inability to give up on love every time I face rejection. Everyone must, right? How do you deal with rejection without going through a phase of wondering what the fuck you're doing? Well, today, I'm wondering what the fuck I'm doing.
My most recent rejection was only after a month of dating (see my last post...the bangry was in full force for that one). There was no talk of being exclusive, he had seen other people during this time, and was obviously not as into me as I was into him. I, on the other hand, actually canceled a date with someone else because I was so interested in this guy. I was considering sleeping with him because my attraction to him had reached that level (and it was starting to wear out my vibrator), and I was ready to tell him that I wasn't seeing other people. I just re-read that paragraph and am wondering how I was so off-base. When things ended - though I had an inkling at that point it wasn't meant to be - I was surprised to learn he was just not that into me.
I know for a fact I have a hard time trusting my own judgment lately. I've been so wrong about so many guys...but when I look back, was I really all that wrong, or was I clinging to them out of loneliness? Was I just so intent on finally finding someone (maybe even the one) that I managed to convince myself to press on? I'm really good at diving in, but I'm not always so good at taking a step back, critically looking at the person I'm dating, and deciding if I should keep seeing that person. I get swept away in the initial lusty stage (when there's actually chemistry between two people) and somehow I stop paying attention to things that bother me.
If I'm completely honest, I knew this most recent date was not right - he's vain, elitist, introverted, and would never have been able to come on a snowboard trip where we crushed ten people into a three bedroom condo, drank pitcher upon pitcher of beer, and ended the trip with a topless last run down the mountain and a party with 18 people in an eight person hot tub (mom, I still had my bra on if that gives you any relief). So I'm angry more with myself than anyone else - why did I let myself get attached to someone that would never fit in my life? And why wasn't it me ending things before him? (That might be a really silly thing to think, but really...through the course of our dates, how did I overlook these things and almost unconsciously decide that I could live with them rather than decide that he was just not quite what I am looking for?)
I've always been my own worst enemy, and I'm realizing more and more how much that applies to my dating life. Maybe I should have made a few New Year's resolutions...maybe one of them should be for me to...to what? I'm truthfully not even sure what to do differently when it comes to dating. I just keep going with the philosophy that I should just be me, do my thing and trust my instincts. Oh wait. There it is.
Trust my instincts.
P.S. - Every post I write seems to have a soundtrack to it - a few songs, or even just one, that I listen to on repeat until the lyrics are second nature. Today, it's Phosphorescent, and their album Muchacho is freaking good. Song for Zula just seems meant for me today (I so love that feeling, when a song connects to you)..."I know love as a fading thing, just as fickle as a feather in a stream..."
Check it out: