Wednesday, 5 August 2015

Stuff and Shit and Things

Oh, hey there.

I probably should have mentioned that come summer, (which kicks off by me devouring as much live music as possible at the Jazz Festival) I would likely disappear from the blogging world. When your summer can be as short as Sasky summers can be, they tend to be crammed tight with activities.

That was also totally an excuse, so I hope you can forgive me. I've been busy, but I've also been avoiding you. Skirting the issue of dating, yet somehow still dating. Yes, even I'm confused by that.

You see, stuff has happened. There have been dates. There have been make-outs and a hook-up and someone who caught me off guard. I fell harder than I would have imagined I could still fall for someone (especially when it comes to someone imminently leaving), and I watched as he walked away. I deleted and re-downloaded Tinder numerous times. I went on a few more dates, and deleted Tinder again. I considered rejoining the legit online dating world (and not just swiping left or right out of pure boredom). I was asked out on dates, I was excited, and they never materialized. I aimlessly wandered the datescape in Saskatoon and (surprisingly...ha!) came up empty handed.

In the midst of all this, I tried to write. I sometimes made a concerted effort to sit at my computer...and stare at a blank screen. I couldn't find a single sentence to communicate my rising ambivalence toward all of this dating bullshit.

I vacillate between caring about dating and giving zero fucks about dating. How dare I ever even complain about being single? I have the freedom to do whatever the fuck I want; I answer only to my conscience, my bank account, and whatever semblance of adult responsibility I have. Also...I don't have cancer, I wasn't born into a war-torn third world country, I'm not dying of starvation or being sold into slavery, and I'm not a lion named Cecil (Hahaha...too soon?). Life is good.

But I'm a human being and I crave companionship. I'm ok on my own - in fact a lot of times I almost prefer being on my own (see above - I have the freedom to do whatever the fuck I want). But there are times when the sting of loneliness is all too real. Times where I meet someone who rekindles something; a feeling I had resigned myself to believing I would never experience again. But, of course, life intervenes and fear takes hold. And for one ridiculous reason or another, we hold each other at arm's length despite wanting to pull each other in and never let go. These times are what stopped me from writing. Somehow they simultaneously destroy and build up my will to date.

I'm entering familiar hypocritical territory, I know. We all do it..."I'm never drinking again." After a particularly crazy long weekend, who didn't say this on Monday? I did. And then tried to cure my ugly sinus cold with a hot toddy (click here for the recipe - it only succeeded in making me pass out, the cold still reigns). Riiiiight, NEVER drinking again.

I know my friends have heard that same statement directed at men/dating/relationships..."I'm so done with men." And then within a week I manage to meet someone, go on a date, or make out with someone on a dance floor (my mom is so proud right now). I go through this cycle at least once a week. I mean, wait, I mean a year. Yeah, once a year. The ambivalence cycle. Does everyone do this? Do all you single people out there waver from super-excitement because you've met someone new (I'm talking, playing the Rocky theme, air-punching at the top of some stairs because you're so pumped up) to being utterly forlorn shitty date after shitty date (and hence listening to the finest sad bastard music this world has to offer)?

I'm kind of exhausted just re-reading this. But that must be the sinus cold. Yup, the cold. Time for another hot toddy...


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