…If you could be completely honest with no regrets, what would you say and to whom?
This could open an honesty shit storm of epic proportions. I’m excited to see not only what other people come up with, but also what spews forth onto my currently empty-ish page. What I’m realizing about my writing process is that I could have an entire post banged out ahead of time, and then sit down to edit, and end up re-writing the entire post, creating some iteration of the original. So really, as I sit here thinking about this whole question of honesty, I have no clue what’s coming next.
I could be brutally honest with several people, mostly unsuspecting figures from my past. I could tell a few people how much their own dishonesty hurt me. There’s a few people whose honesty with me was painful, but cathartic in its own stinging way. There are feelings rumbling in my heart that will eventually need to make their way out of my mouth (or, alternatively, through my fingers and onto the page), but I’m not ready for anyone else to know them, yet.
So today, at this very moment, I’m choosing to be honest with myself.
First off, April, you’ve had some shit judgment when it’s come to members of the opposite sex (as clearly demonstrated in many previous posts). I know you know this, but take a second to realize that even some of the most unfortunate situations you’ve found yourself in have also had a slight tinge of April’s bullshit in them. This is not meant to make you feel bad, quite the contrary. It’s meant for you to realize that for something to genuinely work, you have to stop thinking you’re not worth it. You are fucking worth it. (Thankfully you’ve happened upon someone who shares that sentiment - don’t fuck it up.)
Secondly, you actually can write something EVERY DAY. You have ideas coursing through that brain of yours on the regular, and while not every post is going to be literary gold, you might be surprised with what comes out. Stop being your own worst enemy (your mom has always been right in this matter) and start letting your creative side flourish; the results may be exciting and astonishing.
April (this is an important one) do NOT go and buy those beautiful but completely unneeded boots tomorrow when you get paid. Yes, there really is never a question of need when it comes to shoes. But you’re fucking horrible with money. Really. This is not a strong suit for you, and it certainly won’t get better if you drop $300 on those babies. Wait for a sale. Or realize that your priority right now should be the idea of first/last month’s rent for new digs in the big city. You know for a fact that moving closer to the mountains means snowboarding expenses increase exponentially, what if that pair of boots in your closet actually stops you from hitting the mountains for a weekend!? Unforgivable. Time to grow up and gain some financial responsibility. (Seriously, this is fucking important to wrap your head around, don’t just slyly think you’ll sneak those bad boys into the closet without me noticing…I’ll notice, and I’ll bring the buyer’s remorse down haaaaard.)
And lastly, but certainly not the least…you are allowed to feel afraid right now. There is some big change heading your way; change you have sought out and pursued. You’re moving six hours away from the majority of your support network. You’re leaving the place you’ve called home for 34 years. 34 years! That’s a long time! In my humble opinion (speaking from your common sense, that is) you’re allowed to be nervous, anxious, excited, and cautious. You are not (no matter how many times your mom kind of jokingly says it) abandoning those people who are the core of your people. You will still be there for them, and they for you, albeit usually in an online form. And if much of this change is (at the heart of it, literally) for a man - that’s ok. Especially if it’s a bonafide genuine, handsome, kind-hearted man. That’s definitely ok.
P.S. - The lovely David Gray came floating through the speakers at the coffee shop I've holed up in to write this post, and something about the melody drifting through the many conversations being had created a bit of a warm fuzzy feeling for me. So, cheers :)