Wednesday, 9 November 2016

Untitled (I'm Too Tired to be Clever)

Here we are. Day seven. One week of (trying to) write every day. And I’m caught up (in manner of speaking). This will be short. Mostly because I’m exhausted and I’ve done a stellar job of procrastinating. Today, writing seems like a chore (yet I’ve done every other chore in my apartment; cleaning, dishes, meal prep, laundry…) and I don’t want to do it. I want to drink my tea and go to bed. But here I sit in front of my laptop, because I told myself to sit down and write. Ugh.

I’ve spent all day thinking about today’s prompt…If you could redo one moment in your life, what would it be and why? How would it change who you are now?

The idea of the past, regrets, and sorely wishing you could do something differently is one I’ve already spent a fair amount of time on. I’m trying to spend as little time on the past as possible moving forward. I could come up with a million tiny moments to change. There’s a few big ones back there I certainly could have handled differently. Maybe delving into them would lead to a good story or two and some salacious reading for you. But here’s the deal.

I’m pretty talented at gripping tightly to the past, and I drag it kicking and screaming into my present, forgetting to relax and enjoy what is happening around me; in whatever moment I find myself. Thing is, I’m not sure I would change a damn thing, and I don’t want to dwell on the past anymore. Every time I let it steep in my thoughts for too long, it limits me. Past hurts cut down my self confidence. Mistakes make me cower from pushing forward with something new. Lost loves bring a debilitating ache to the surface.

So I would not change a thing. Every last shitty experience or terrible choice has landed me right where I am, and I kinda like where I am. Maybe I still have a few things to learn from, and a little bit of work to do (ok, a huge heaping shit-ton of work), but I’m through with letting my past hang over me. I’ve said it before (not so long ago, here) and I’ll say it again. Fuck the past.
I’m standing with my two feet firmly planted in the present; looking forward and embracing the unknown as best I can.

Maybe this quote doesn't fit, or perhaps it doesn't speak to you as it does me. But read it anyway - come back to it one day. It has all kinds of wisdom.

“…be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now.” - Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

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